I am so confused. I have no idea what I look like.

The weight loss process, although quick in the grand scheme of things, has actually been fairly gradual. I’ve been “in” this body the whole time, and although I feel stronger and healthier, I don’t feel that different. Because I basically banned any photographs over the last three years, I don’t have a picture (in my head or otherwise) of what I looked like before, so I sometimes forget just how far I’ve come.

I try on clothes that I wore before I started this process and it’s obvious that I’m smaller. Hell, I try on clothes I wore a month ago and they’re too big. I know that I look different. Judging by the reactions of people that haven’t seen me in a while, I look a lot different. The compliments are awesome, but sometimes it’s almost as if I don’t believe them. It’s like the fat kid inside me argues and tells me not to listen to them.

I think it’s going to take some time before I’m comfortable in my new, smaller skin. I spent almost 20 years at the “obese” end of the spectrum and there are a lot of feelings that come with that. I still default to the feelings I’ve lived with for years, even though I’m wearing a size I haven’t worn for years.

When someone has changed so drastically on the outside, shouldn’t something on the inside change too? Not to say I’m not still me, but when does the fat kid shut up so I can enjoy being the hot mama?