It’s been a difficult five months. And I can’t fully explain why, or what’s been difficult about it. And I only know it’s been FIVE months and not four or six, because I can pretty much pinpoint it to when I got home from our annual coaching conference. I came home completely energized, motivated, passionate for what I do and what was to come, and then I just…lost it. I still believed in my purpose and the work, I still wanted to help people, and I kept doing the activities, but without quite as much OOMPH. I lost my mojo. I think I came back SO excited for my coaching business that I set unrealistic expectations for what I could accomplish, and also for what activities I could take on to get there. I took on too much at once. I was very stressed at work and feeling completely overwhelmed, and started to rebel against myself, putting the activities I really love (building my business) on the back burner because I didn’t have the energy to fully dive into them.

I started to coast through life. I felt defeated, disappointed. And that became a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the more I felt it, the more it became. Someone recently shared the quote from Zig Ziglar, “The only way you can coast is downhill.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was heading downhill.

I started to cry more. I started to lose my temper more quickly. I started to get more irritated at work. I was unhappy at home, I was unhappy at work. And not a real sadness, just more of a general “down,” a sort of emotional “meh.” I would go to bed some nights even before the kids were fully settled. And I would lie in bed watching shows on my iPad for some sort of escape from the feelings. I wasn’t sleeping properly.

I started to feel the old familar pull towards shopping, which I now know is my immediate tell for not feeling right. It’s my subconscious wanting to acquire shiny new objects or clothing to put bring my short-lived external happiness. It sounds silly, but I started to diffuse essential oils with names like “Stress relief” and “energy.” And yes, the scents made me feel better but again, they were external solutions that I was hoping would “fix” the issue.

I started to listen to personal development podcasts. I found one, “Over it and On With It” from Christine Hassler. She was chatting with another life coach-type person, Christine Arylo, and they started to talk about inner mean girls. The voices inside where we talk to ourselves and what we say really isn’t very nice. I remember sitting in my car on my way home from work and tears streaming down my face. I had not said anything truly nice to myself for months. Even if I did say something nice to myself, it was quickly followed by a qualifying statement that turned it negative, or a reminder that it would be a short-lived positive. I hadn’t realized I was doing it until that very moment, and I know now it had been chronic for months. I bought the book, I bought the audio book, and I dug in. I feel like that’s likely a completely separate blog post, but it was a big part of this journey. It was a turning point.

I finally had a night where I completely broke. And I finally shared my feelings with Mr Awesome. I was probably incoherent, rambling on the sofa at 2am, sobbing, sharing what I’d been feeling and explaining all the random fears and thoughts and stresses I’d been carrying for months.

I went to talk to a woman I’d seen a number of years ago, just to talk stuff out and face the feelings instead of running from them any more. It helped, but I believe it was a combination of EVERYTHING – telling Mr Awesome, taking a few days from work, recognizing that I had been “mean” to myself for ages and beginning the work to turn that around, and yes – even the essential oils. I was finally practicing REAL self care.

We recently went to a conference in Vegas. Again, I feel like this will be a completely separate blog post. It was a conference for network marketers, and Tony Robbins was one of the main speakers. I went wanting to learn more about the business side of network marketing so that I could better support my team, but I also knew I was going for something else. I knew I needed something MORE, a wake-up call, a revelation…and if anyone was going to be able to deliver that, it was Tony Robbins.

This might be the third blog post that has been inspired by writing this one, because the experience with Tony 100% deserves its own post. I cannot imagine what four to six days with that man would be like, because we only had four hours with him and it truly felt transformational. And no, we did not walk on fire.

He said a LOT of things that stick with me and I keep going back to, but one really hit home. He said that the definition of an exceptional life is life on your terms. I realized that I’d been living on everyone else’s terms. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one, especially myself. And it was subtle, it wasn’t like a massive shift was needed. It was more in my perspective. The activities haven’t actually changed that much, but how I view them HAS. Why I’m doing them, how I’m doing them, that has changed. And oddly, I’m actually doing MORE for others now than I have all year.

When I started to write this post, the title was “Too many thoughts for a clever title,” because I wasn’t sure how I could fit everything in to one piece. And clearly, it’s spurred several other posts to come. But through writing it, and reflecting on the final month of the last five, I feel confident changing the title to what it is now. I do feel like I’m putting the pieces back together. I’m rebuilding. On my own terms.