This kind of goes hand in hand with an earlier post entitled A Distorted Reality, but my reality still seems to be a bit shaky.
I was out for dinner with a few friends and we stopped in to one of their houses afterwards to have a quick visit with her baby boy. Just as we were getting ready to leave, she asked what size I was wearing now. I said size 10 but then quickly began to panic. Would they believe me? How could I possibly be a size 10?!
My panic increased when she explained that she had a size 10 pair of pants from H&M that were a bit big for her and she wondered if I wanted to try them on. Oh my God, they’re going to find me out! There’s no way her pants will fit me! And H&M? I haven’t been able to buy anything there with the exception of jewelry and kids’ clothes since they came to town! I waffled a bit and said that in SOME pants I’m still wearing a size 12, and that they may not fit. I was basically apologizing for being a size 10 and I have no idea why. Was I going to be embarrassed if they didn’t fit? Why? I haven’t been this size since high school and I’ve worked hard to get here, but I was convinced that I would try and squeeze on these itty-bitty size 10’s and be faced with the reality that they didn’t fit.
It’s like every time I stand on the scale. I was in the 200’s for so long that now I’m almost 40lbs into the 100’s I don’t believe the numbers. I have moments of fear that maybe my scale is broken, that maybe the little man has dropped it and it’s out of whack by about twenty pounds. But he can’t have snuck in a dropped all the scales at Weight Watchers too, can he?
I have lived for a long time with the understanding that there are only certain stores I can shop in, and that when I go shopping with friends I will likely not be able to find anything in the same stores as they do. Outlet malls where they had a Banana Republic AND a Lane Bryant were my saving grace, where we could all come home with a fun new purchase.
Since starting this weight loss journey, my shopping has pretty much been at Costco, or at Target when we venture south. I haven’t really bought anything at a “real” store yet. I did buy some pants (yes, size 10) at Winners a while back, but that’s Winners, and I figured their sizing must be skewed to explain the low prices. How could I possibly fit into a pair of pants from H&M? The odd XL shirt, sure, but PANTS?? My hips and shopping have never been friends, and I was about to slip my saddlebags into a pair of pants from H&M. Who the hell do I think I AM?
Long, drawn out and fairly predictable story short, the pants fit. And they look decent. And they’re linen so after a couple of hours they’re actually baggy. A size 10 pair of H&M pants is actually baggy on me.
Shopping just got a hell of a lot more interesting.
(Insert sound of Mr. Awesome quietly weeping in the corner as he opens the credit card bills.)