I hate guilt. It eats at me for days, weeks, months and sometimes years. I still get pangs of guilt over minor wrongs I may or may not have done to friends years ago. Even if they were just misunderstandings, I still have guilt creep up on me when I’m least expecting it.
I wrote a post this morning about weaning the little miss and in one paragraph mentioned some frustrations I’m having with Mr. Awesome not taking on more of the bottle feedings to help with the transition. I then titled the post “Maybe Mr. Awesome Should Grow Boobs,” making it seem like a bigger deal than it is. It was meant to be a funny title that grabbed your attention, drawing you into the wonderful world that is my blog, but I immediately started to regret it.
I started to get the guilt sweats. You know, that panicky feeling that you’ve done something wrong, even though you probably haven’t. Mr. Awesome is definitely not one to “sweat the small stuff,” letting things simply roll off his back when I would be stamping my foot and screaming in protest in the same situation. I knew the post wouldn’t affect him, but also never wanted him to think I didn’t appreciate everything he does. He does a lot, I’m just particularly sensitive right now about holding my little girl to feed her but giving her a bottle instead of breastfeeding. She really doesn’t care one way or the other, but again…there’s the guilt.
What really made me feel bad was the thought that my readers would get the wrong idea of Mr. Awesome. You only get to see a snippet of my life and I, although very lightly, bitched to you about my husband.
But then I thought…SO WHAT? I bitch about my kids, I bitch about my weight loss journey, I bitch about the woman in my Weight Watchers meetings who is always whining… I write about what is happening in my life at the current moment and I always try to write as openly and honestly as possible. WHY would I ever hide the fact that I’m a little cheesed with the man I married? That’s reality, baby. NO marriage is perfect, and I defy anyone to tell me that they never once have been frustrated with their partner. Dating, married, straight, gay – we are human and humans have emotions. There will always be minor disagreements, heated discussions, yelling matches brought on by lack of sleep because your baby is teething… As long as your relationship is open, candid and honest, a few skirmishes here and there are no big deal. If you got along all the time it would be boring!
I love Mr. Awesome. More than that, I LIKE him. He is one of the good guys. We have a great marriage where it’s safe to express how we’re feeling. Like I said earlier, nothing really phases him so it’s usually me expressing my feelings, but that’s beside the point.
So yes, I was frustrated with my husband. I don’t think women admit this enough. It is perfectly normal to have these feelings and if nobody ever talks about it, then we might start to think it’s just us and there really is something wrong!
I have heard so many people express their relief when they hear that they are not the only parents experiencing the
hell joys that only a whiny, disobedient preschooler can bring. I know one woman who actually sought out counselling for her son because she didn’t TALK to anyone to find out that everyone she knew was going through the same thing! We need to have that same sense of relief when it comes to our relationships.
Why would I try and hide my feelings? If this blog has shown anything, I’m not perfect. Having these feelings does not mean we are bad parents, bad wives, partners, or people. We are human.